Fast forward to Realization: Its OK to be Human

I have been meaning to type away on my lovely little blog for some time now. Driving to work, thinkin, workin, thinkin, sleepin...not sleepin, thinkin, and never a pen or computer near by. So it will lack...finesse, I am sure.

k, so....

October 31st 2010.

My favorite holiday, Seriously.

It was a a gory, mildly cold on the outside, bone chilling on the inside....at least the inside of me....Terrifying night.
Like a well written slasher film, I experienced the morbid reality of a knife in the chest.
I have never been stabbed before.The shock of sudden unrelievable pain, the feeling of a muslce failing during an immense lunge on the crux, that feet-kicked-out-from-unda-ya struggling to continue walking, falling in your sleep and jolting awake just before the (possibly delightful) relief of knowing exactly what it'd be like to die in a dream. I can not explain it well enough, the emotions running through my head that night seemed to pour out of me. And they poured out with the blood of an empty stomach and too many tears onto the pavement.
Trust.
A word....an emotion....a bloody joke. The thing that died that night.

fast forward.

December 28th, 2010.

Christopher Ames & Whitney Redd's anniversary.

I fell in to it. We went for sushi, he brought me flowers, he wore the same attire, smelled the same way. The only thing that was different was his beard. It was our first date all over again. Except I didn't have to drive....but we still took my car. I could barely breathe the entire time. It was like I was wearing a corset while I stuffed my face with mounds of raw fish. I did not know why I was there, or who was sitting across from me. The worst part of it was....he didn't realize it was not the same girl who sat next to him at the sushi bar, not the same girl that was fascinated by an amazing man, not the girl who told him she loved him. But he treated me that way, all the wishy-washy thoughts paced back and forth in my head. What did he Really want? He couldn't see that instead there sat a girl who had snapped. Snapped back into reality, back to the realization that you really do have to work for love and once you let it go you cant expect it to fly back to you like some filthy pigeon. Rewind....

December 16th, 2010

Whitney's 3rd and most Harmonic Tattoo

"When was the last time you were really happy Whit?" ........after hearing that I am surprised the phone didn't get damaged from all of the saline falling out my eyes. My mind raced back, I picked through millions of memories in seconds. I found SO many happy moments, but I kept circling back to a few. Really just images in my mind, ones that soothed my breathing back down to a consistent and deep rhythm. I saw my family. I saw my friends. I saw my dog. Mountains, lakes, sun. I saw my daddio. And then I felt my dad, and I felt his arms around me. I saw the one man who truly loved me. I felt the one man who truly loved me. And It just stayed with me. But I could feel it slipping away, thoughts are funny that way. You can't keep them on you at all times, you cant physically see them, or embrace them, you have to remind yourself to remember them. Silly thoughts. So temporary.
'Click' I hung up the phone. (unfortunately cell phones don't actually make that sound)

I sat on my bed, head in palms. I tried to grab for those good memories but all I could reach were the more recent thoughts, painful and confusing ones. I thought back to Ms. Bartons history class, day one. Her familiar speech referencing your mind as an egg carton and that you need go back and crack open older eggs and remember. I wanted to rip that damn carton apart, throw the eggs at the back of my head until I wasn't conscience anymore. But there in my juvenile egging I found it again, that feeling of relief and contention. I am loved.

"Josie, I want another tattoo."
"Ok, Lets go!"
"Now?"
"Well of course now, you'll back out if you think about it any longer"

So I went. And I had my happy thoughts permanently pictured in black and blood for me to see.

Fast forward.
December 28th 2010.

A forceful doubt.

I found myself embraced by familiar arms, and familiar smells. It felt...familiar.
But I pulled myself away, I could feel an itch on my arm...a reminder, and I said no.

No. What an interesting word. One that I have a hard time using. Which, in fact, is exactly why I was in this situation to begin with. But I did it. I did it because that is how I felt right then, and right there. I felt my mind throwing egg after egg at my soul, reminding me why it only felt familiar, why it wouldn't feel good. He does not know what he wants.

Rewind.

Date Unspecified.

lies. lies to protect. lies to regret. lies you cant forget.

Several occasions I lied to Chris. Several times I told him something to avoid confrontation. I did not want to show I was weak, that I needed him. So I lied. I lied about actions that could have been easily accepted had I just told the truth.
Cheating.
I've never done it, I never could. But I lied. So I cheated him. And it has never been more miserable to realize my heart ache is caused by inaction.
I could have told the truth, and let him kick someones ass. But I couldn't....
the lies came out like vomit. I puked out lie after lie and all because I did not think he would believe me. Because no one ever believes me. I did not want to lose the trust that we had. He COULD trust me. He SHOULD trust me. He WOULD have trusted me.

But he never actually did trust me.

This hit me hard. I focused on the thought for weeks. There really was nothing I could have done that would have changed that fact. I never had the trust and here I am beating myself up for losing it.
Do you give trust? or is it earned? I truly don't believe anyone can actually trust anyone. Have you ever googled trust? Type 'define: trust' and read through all of the definitions...I don't think anyone can really agree on what it actually is. So how can we use it soooo frequently? And how do you know if your trust is the same as his trust?

Fast forward

November 15th, 2010

Bloody Email

Hurtful things were said.

But just know, I forgive you Christopher....although it did take my hand forcefully shattering through yours and my face of my favorite picture frame. Apparently, I do not punch like a girl.

(and thank you for forgiving me)

Fast forward

Present day

Through all this your probably wondering.....wha?

Well Its just tid-bits of my life lately. I just wanted to let you see through the keyhole of the new door I've opened. I am so incredibly happy. I mean, of course, life has its ups and downs but all-in-all I feel liberated. I feel like I learned such a valuable lesson and I want to share that with everyone. Sure, I got dumped. We had a great relationship with so many great things, and so many flaws, it was wonderful, and we let it go.

I am done with my 'fake' life, and my lies. I have been so upfront and honest lately its redic! I love having nothing to hide. And I never want to hide anything ever again.
I am living life for me, and I have never done anything purely for me. I can not tell you how great it feels.
Sure, I'll hurt people and they will hurt me.
But at least it will be out in the open. I cant afford to lose anyone else important in my life.
I do not wish to find love anytime soon. I am content with the love I have. Quite frankly(which is a term I have adopted, idintit quaint?), if I keep comparing everyone to my father I will never find a suitable partner. Because that is what I want in a man, someone like my dad, and, well....he is one of a kind. And don't get too creep-ed out I mean that in a very sincere and in depth kind of way. If I can find a man who can make me feel as loved and secure as that man does then I am set. In the meantime, I'll just be happy.

oh the ramblings a heartbroken 22 year old first timer, and oh the realizations of a newborn 22 year old woman, Thank you Christopher Ames. . . You will always be in my heart. ( i think ill stuff ya in the hole you put there :)